Crybaby!

It hurts me to write this blog, and I almost didn’t because it makes me so sad… But my husband said I should write it, because maybe, maybe, it can help one person do something differently… After an amazing tiyul at Ir Dovid with my special friend and incredible tour guide Esti Kimche, my sister and I were waiting at the entrance to leave. A young (non-religious looking) couple was there, their 2 year old (or less) baby crying in the stroller. “Stop crying!” The mother scolded, and the baby only cried harder. This went on for a few minutes, each time, the mother’s voice getting louder and more strident and the baby’s wails increasing. Then, shockingly, the mother started slapping the child on the hand, screaming at this poor little baby to stop crying!!! I stood there, shocked into silence. A large part of me wanted to go over there and say something to the couple, who then turned and nonchalantly strolled out of the park area, sipping their coca colas while the baby’s wails continued. I regret not saying anything, but at the time, I think I was in total state of shock and disbelief. I hope everyone reading this feels the same way that I do. How can you scream at a baby, and even further, how can you hit a baby!!??! And for crying!!!! This baby was probably tired, hungry, jet-lagged, bored at being dragged around to historical sites while restrained in a stroller…and the list goes on. Babies and toddlers cry to communicate feelings and needs, and often the biggest need is just connection and reassurance from us, even if we can’t fulfill their actual need at the moment. And, as Larry Cohen points out in his book Playful Parenting, sometimes they just need to cry to release their feelings, and we need to accept this need; otherwise, those pent-up feeling will come out in other ways (such as aggression or anxiety). Why couldn’t that Mom just acknowledge her baby’s tears…. "I know, honey, you are tired and it’s been a long day. We are going home soon"…Or even just hold the baby and let him cry in her arms…. I hope none of us EVER react to our baby’s or child’s crying in that awful, abusive way, but if we think about this mother’s feelings, many of us have probably felt similar feeling to that mother, to varying degrees. The crying grates on us, we just want them to stop crying, or we wish they would just go along with our agenda. This is usually because WE were told to stuff our emotions when we were kids, so now we cannot deal with these emotional outbursts! Maybe we don't react as extremely as that mother, but we can all work on feeling more compassion and offering more connection when our babies or toddlers are crying. And don’t try to stuff the tears or emotions….this will help them learn to embrace the emotions of others later in their lives! Even if we don’t think this about a baby or toddler, can we admit that we often think this about an older kid? Why is my 8 year old whining on this family trip? Why is the 14 year old bothering her younger sibling at the dinner table? These “misbehaviors” in older kids are their ways of communicating their emotions, much like the crying in the younger bunch! Maybe he didn’t get enough sleep in the hotel bed, maybe she had a fight with her friend at school…Recognizing their triggers, and offering compassion and connection, instead of us yelling or getting annoyed, can go a long way with these kids as well! And will make family outings and meals so much more pleasant! Imagine our kids being able to fully feel and healthily express their emotions, to others in their life and to HaShem. How much more powerful their relationships and tefillos will be. And if they can accept others’ emotions…what amazing friends, spouses and parents they will be, displaying the trait of empathy, or Nosei Ba’Ol im Chaveiro. This was the trait of Moshe’s that designated him for greatness; this was the trait that HaShem displayed at the sneh when He identified with the pain of Am Yisrael in Mitzrayim! So don’t let anyone call your kid a crybaby, and don’t tell them to stop crying. Crying is the first step to a life of being emotionally healthy, being able to accept others’ emotions and care for others, and, then, being able to live lives where they truly emulate the ways of HaShem.