Last week, in my son’s weekly OT session, we ended off in what, to me, seemed like an unnecessary power struggle. The OT told him to clean up the toys, he did a little bit and then refused to do the rest. She didn’t want to let go of her demand once she said it, so a power struggle ensued, with him running out of the room and then calling her “stupid.” Yes, I was embarrassed! But, he’s a kid and was definitely feeling threatened so he lashed out in the way he could, verbally (thankfully not physically!). (By the way, I had him draw an apology picture for her afterwards, so don’t worry, I didn’t let him off the hook! Note I didn’t make him apologize in the moment, but that is for another discussion…)
Something about the command to clean up all those small Playmobile toys put him in “fight or flight”-he literally did both!! What’s a mom to do? The therapist needs him to clean up, he doesn’t want to…sounds like it’s time for some “No Lose Problem Solving!.”
The book “Parent Effectiveness Training” was written by Thomas Gordon in the 1970s, and while some things seem outdated, I think he was ahead of his time. Do you realize how much of what is written in the more modern parenting books actually stem from things he says? His main contribution was the idea of engaging your child in the solutions…gasp, something that at that time seems incomprehensible to many parents. My children have opinions?? They are people with their own thoughts, feelings and beliefs??
Yes, even a young child is a person, and the more we treat them as such, the more they will feel confidence in themselves that will help them be able to make correct decisions later in life. And, amazingly, the more they will be able to take in what we have to say, when they don’t feel we are imposing our beliefs or opinions on them.
His method is simple (yes, it has been tweaked by Faber and Mazlich, Laura Markham, Ross Greene and countless others, but I’ll keep it simple). You have a problem with something your child is doing: you present your concern, have them say their side, and try to come up with a mutually agreed upon solution. The idea is that the solution is a “no-lose” solution: No, not everyone will win, but nobody will feel that they totally lose out either. Obviously, now we know how validating our child’s feelings, and giving them a chance to use their executive functions on their own is so positive in creating positive pathways in the brain. But he said this before any of the research of the 1990s, the Decade of the Brain!
I have done this countless times with many of my kids, so I decided to try it with this son regarding the clean-up issue. I sat him down one night and told him that his OT really needs his help cleaning up, but I see it’s so hard for him. And obviously he can’t run away or call her names! What should we do?
Lo and behold, his six-year-old mind came up with a solution! He would clean up the big stuff, and she and I would clean up the medium and small stuff. This confirmed my suspicion that after working hard emotionally for 45 minutes, he was done, and it was sooo tedious to pick up and put away all this small PlayMobile…..
The next session, I told her his solution, and guess what? He did great! He did exactly what he said he would do, cleaned up the large things and walked out feeling happy and proud of himself.
What would have happened if I would have enforced the original rule? If I would have told him he must clean everything up, and never asked for his opinion or heard his side. Maybe he would have done it? Maybe he would have gotten angrier and pushed back even more? Perhaps, I conjecture, this would have negatively impacted his relationship with the therapist….
Either way, this problem-solving gave him so many benefits: it gave him autonomy, helped him use his executive functions to plan and modulate what he was going to do, and gave him the feeling of self-importance, that his opinion matters. And, I think maybe most importantly, it improved our relationship, as it made him feel that he is valued in my eyes. It also helped me to be a kinder, less judgmental mother, really thinking of why he was having trouble and trusting him to come up with a solution, rather than being a tyrant forcing myself on him. (Of course, if his solution had been totally off target, we would have tweaked it together.)
We want our kids to feel that Hashem trusts them, that they have value and autonomy in this world to make the right decisions. By us giving our children a chance to exercise their own judgment, this helps them view Hashem as Someone who trusts and believes in them to improve and solve problems (remember we are their model for Hashem!). As the Nefesh HaChaim writes, when the first human became a “Nefesh Chaya,” he became the life force for the entire world. Our actions actually impact and influence what happens in the world: Hashem has endowed us with an incredible power to contribute His Will to this world through our actions. These small instances of problem solving are building our children’s brains, building their ability to feel that they have significance in Hashem’s eyes and can contribute positively to the world.
So don’t view problems in a negative light! They are opportunities to get our children to where we want them to be, one problem at a time.
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