Remember my anxious son, the one who needs a lot of support to take tests? Well, we had a meeting with the principal about him the other day. Apparently, the teacher thinks that we are too “soft” on him, and that it would be good to throw him out there and give him more challenges to “toughen him up.” To complicate matters, this son has an autoimmune condition call alopecia areata, where hair falls out and he has patches of bald spots on his head. With Hashem’s help, we found an amazing dermatologist who prescribed a cream which helps stimulate hair growth, but the bald spots do return periodically (although for the most part they are covered up by longer hair and his kippa). For this reason, my son does not feel comfortable going to the weekly swimming lessons that his school take the 5th grade boys to every week. I think this is understandable: Two years ago, he was bullied by some kids who noticed his bald spots when his kippa fell off, and when he swims and the hair gets wet, they become obvious.
The principal could not understand our perspective: It’s good for him to face his anxieties, he maintained. He will learn to toughen up, to deal with embarrassment and boys making fun of him. It will make him stronger!
Now, I don’t think that I coddle my kids. I don’t do their homework assignments for them, I don’t shy away from pushing them to try new things and face new challenges. They have responsibilities at home and know that there are certain expectations, and I encourage them to climb higher slides, learn to ride bikes and play new challenging games. But, brain science and research on child development shows that kids who are thrown into challenging situations WITHOUT SUPPORT have a much harder time coming out stronger. Instead, it is supporting children while they go through challenges that helps them reach mastery.
As Dr. Mona Delahooke points out in her book Brain-Body Parenting, not all stress is bad for children. Children need some stress in order to master new tasks, like learning to walk, read, or ride a bike, because the stress does propel them to move forward and work to achieve something that is a little bit difficult. But for the necessary stress to lead to learning, and resilience, it needs to be predictable, moderate and controlled. Therefore, while we don’t minimize the regular stressors of life, we don’t add purposely add new stressors, which will often be unpredictable, intense and out of their control.
Additionally, the key to successfully helping a child manage stress is when a child is supported through co-regulation with a parent or trusted adult. If a kid is bullied, and then comes home and talks to his parents about it, they can talk through his feelings, discuss ways to deal with it, and he can gain self-confidence in the face of the bullying. If an assignment at school is really difficult, the child can discuss it with the teacher, and figure out a way to approach the task in order to master that assignment. When a child is having difficulty with an emotion such as anger or fear, and the parent is there to co-regulate with them and help them through the feeling, that is how they learn self-regulation!
So I disagree with the principal’s premise on two accounts, both backed up by research and science. First of all, our kids have enough to deal with in their lives that will happen to them just by virtue of being children, being a sibling and being a classmate; why add to their stress by throwing them into a situation where we know they will have more stress that might not be predictable, moderate and controlled?
In addition, when children are thrown into a situation alone without any support, to sink or swim (pun not intended), they may sink or they may swim. But will they learn how to self-regulate and how to be resilient in the future? Or will they just learn that this world is a big, scary place and I have no choice but to fight through it until I can’t do it anymore, and there is nobody there to help me?
If we are trying to raise our children with Emunah in Hashem, I would think we would want to teach them that the world is not a scary place, they are not alone, and there is always Someone Who is there is guide them when things may feel scary or they feel alone. I think of Hashem appearing to Moshe at the Sneh, a thorny bush, because, as Chazal say, He wanted to show Moshe “Imo Anochi B’Tzarah,” I am with Bnei Yisrael in the pain of Galus Mitzrayim. When Yaakov went down to Mitzrayim, Hashem said to him: don’t worry, I will be with you in Galus, and I will also be there with you when you return to Eretz Yisrael. There are myriad examples throughout Tanach of Hashem ensuring the Avos, the Neviim and Bnei Yisrael that He is with us, and we don’t have to go through tzaros alone.
We are the models of Hashem for our children: by giving our children the sense of safety and security through co-regulation as they encounter stressors, they internalize that feeling of safety and security that they can then transfer over to their relationship with Hashem. By co-regulating with our children, and being with them to work through the inevitable (and sometimes positive) stressors in life, we are not only setting them up for a life of resilience, but also for a life where they feel calm and confident that Hashem is always there, guiding them through life.
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