For those of you with teenagers, you may be wondering why I’m always writing about the younger kids: Those are the easy ones, you think. What about our problems with our teens?!
I’ll tell you a little secret: I love teenagers. (I know, I am a minority!) Yes, they can be self-centered, impulsive, argumentative, and materialistic. But they are becoming people that we can have real conversations with, debate with, laugh and have fun with, and, even more amazingly, we can begin to see our Chinuch taking shape and taking off in them.
My 9th grade daughter is in the middle of mid-term exams:15 tests over the course of 3 weeks. I am amazed at her discipline, her studiousness, her ability to handle stress, and her willingness to help me (albeit sometimes begrudgingly) when I do need her, despite her workload.
Yes, she will often complain, and sometimes I see her slacking off and not studying when she should be, giving up easily on something that I think she could work harder at, or not approaching things the way I would in her study habits. But I am learning to back off: I don’t try to control or take over the situation, and I allow her to make her own decisions. This is the foundation of self-discipline, which Dr. Laura Markham defines as “giving up something you want for something you want even more.” The key word here is the word “self.” I can discipline my kids all I want, I can offer incentives for doing things, or take away privileges for not doing things (as we will see, these methods must sometimes be used, but rarely!). But, when appropriate, I can also back off, give my kids the information they need, ask appropriate questions to get them thinking, and then let them make decisions on their own.
I have a similar situation with my son applying to Yeshivas for next year. There is one Yeshiva that he visited and really likes, and my husband and I feel that it would be a great place for him. But he wants to visit another Yeshiva, and he wants to make the decision on his own. I might be able to talk about the Yeshiva in positive terms, or ask him questions to help him hone in on what is important to him, but ultimately, the decision will be his. He is exercising his self-discipline muscles by thinking about 2 different possibilities, and figuring out which one will be the best fit for him, based on many different factors (hopefully his parents’ values and opinions will be one of the factors!)
The middah of backing off and allowing your kids to make their own decisions is the middah of “Hod.” The Arizal explains that Hashem always acts with a combination of Netzach and Hod, and that perfect parenting is really a combination of Netzach and Hod. Netzach, in essence, is defined as causing someone else to do what you want by overpowering them. And sometimes we need to act that way with our children: we need to give them commands of things they must do, we need to show that we are in charge and, yes sometimes we need incentives and consequences if very important things need to get done or should not be done. The examples that come to mind are when we need our children to take antibiotics or undergo a blood test. In those cases, we may need to offer them chocolate as an incentive, and in some cases, we may even need to hold them down. Another case is if a child is hitting or throwing dangerous objects across a room: we need to remove the child and sometimes hold him in another room until he calms down. For a teenager, we often need to say “no” if they ask to do something that we believe is dangerous or detrimental to their health, like when my daughter asked to go to Cyprus with friends (without a parent!), or, more minorly, when she wants two sleepovers in one week. Those are examples when we as parents must use the middah of netzach.
But much of the time, Hashem is operating with us using the middah of Hod. Hod is when you try to get someone to do something without directly forcing or overpowering them, but when you hold back and let them come to the decision on their own. You might give them information, or ask them questions to help them come to their own decision, but you don’t tell them directly what to do. In most of Galus, Hashem is using this middah, not revealing Himself directly but giving us the opportunities to make the right choices without his direct intervention, just with the knowledge of the Torah we have.
Moshe Rabbeinu is defined by the middah of Netzach, an dominant figure giving the Torah to the Jewish people on Har Sinai, in an overpowering way. Aharon HaKohen embodied this middah of Hod; he brought peace between people and tried to get them to recognize the truth on their own.
The problem with the Middah of hod is that it can lead to errors. Aharon’s middah of Hod led to one of the worst sins in Jewish history, the Cheit HaEigel, because he gave them opportunities to make decisions on their own. But the Cheit HaEigel also led to the 13 middos of Rachamim and the second Luchos! This huge mistake actually led to Teshuva and a greater way to connect to Hashem from within ourselves, which is represented by the second Luchos and all of Torah sheBa’al Peh (See Rav Dessler in Michtav Me’Eliyahu).
So while the middah of Hod can lead to mistakes, it can also lead to Teshuva and to greatness; Hod leads people to discover the truth from inside of them, not imposed from the outside.
Now back to our kids, especially our teenagers. If we employ the middah of Hod with our kids, we are giving them a lot of free reign. My daughter can decide when and how much she will study for each test; my son can make his own decision about yeshivas (gasp, I’m trying not to hyperventilate here…). I can give information that I know, I can ask questions (“what perakim are on the Navi test?” “Are you studying with a friend for that test?”, or “which friends are going to this yeshiva?” “what was the shiur like there?”) to try to help them clarify things for themselves. But, in the end of the day, I need to step back (not easy for us controlling mothers!) and let them make their decisions.
Yes, they might make mistakes, and hopefully I will step in if I see an egregious error being made (for example, if my daughter decides to go to a party the night before a big math test, or my son is looking at a yeshiva that is totally not for him). (Don’t worry ,these things didn’t happen). But even if minor mistakes are made, they will hopefully be able to look inside themselves and learn from them, and figure out how to do even better next time.
Because that’s what we ultimately want for our kids-that is Chinuch! The goal is that when they leave our house, they will be able to make these decisions on their own, because we won’t be there all the time anymore! Scary? Yes. But exciting: we are raising the next generation of Ovdei Hashem who will choose to serve Hashem on their own. Our stepping back with this incredible middah of Hod will really help them learn to internalize their connection to Torah and mitzvos-and live with a connection to Hashem.
Comments